I don’t know why I’m keeping this blog really. My last post was not written in “my” voice. My mom wrote in the comments that other than my comparison to myself as a pedofile (as a reference to how I’d feel going to dog parks without being a dog owner), the post was “warm and heartfelt” — something syrupy like that.
I don’t like syrupy bullshit (a term coined by my dad recently), and I immediately called into question my purpose in blogging when I saw I had oozed the very substance I loathe into the blogosphere.
I just don’t know what the point of this is.
I have this need to “record” my experience in Israel – but I like the idea of recording it as a series of experiences, with common threads perhaps, but not necessarily so they all lead to one underlying message. I could just write this in a journal or on a file on my computer.
But I have an urge to get this out – beyond just me.
I just hate how wishy-washy this feels. And what is “this” anyway?
Part of me just wants to preserve the feeling of having recently lived in another country – that felt so much like home sometimes . . . but also not like it at all. I learned more about myself and the world in the last 4 years than in all the other years of my life combined. More than in college, by a long shot. More than the years right out of college. And I just hope I continue to feel that way, regardless of where I am living. I think my insecurity stems from an anxiety I feel, that if I’m within my comfort zone, I’m not testing myself. And if I’m not testing myself, I’m not affirming myself. Is this a condition? Do other people experience this constantly? Would it be alleviated with more creative expression?
That’s another huge problem of mine. Art. The constant berating myself for never making any. If there’s one thing that makes me attain a higher sense of self other than travel, it’s participating in the creation of artwork that feels as though it’s beyond my control. That I’m the one creating it, but it’s not just me – there’s something coordinating my eyeball and my hand in such a specific way that everything just makes sense.
OK that’s it. From now on, this blog will be my own voice. I’m worried of sounding too liberal or naive – but I kind of like being liberal, and a version of “naive”. . . there’s actually a Hebrew expression that means “false naive” but I can’t think of it at the moment, but that’s me. False naive. I know better, but like to challenge what exists by assuming ignorance.
So it’s decided. This blog will contain a selection of “false naive” pieces composed as a result of my living in Israel. Yofi.